even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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