i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
