You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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