On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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