Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
