We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
