My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
