broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
