these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
