I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
farters have to be the big spoon...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
