Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
