I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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