Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
