The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
