Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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