Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
