smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
