The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize