My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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