Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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