Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
