i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
is wine microwaveable?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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