i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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