Where did you get a picture of my penis
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
