remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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