my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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