Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
