I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
