the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
