Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
