I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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