I just threw up on my dentist
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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