Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
