so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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