Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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