i was rollin on her like bob the builder
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
