why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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