like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
