Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
