when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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