this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Randomize
