i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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