My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
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