Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
