god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
