I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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