the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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