Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
