the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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