have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
