Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
