new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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