My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
